<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Gunbo: Dumbo but with a gun by Mossbraker</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26934565">Gunbo: Dumbo but with a gun</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mossbraker/pseuds/Mossbraker'>Mossbraker</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dumbo (1941), Dumbo (2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:13:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,647</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26934565</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mossbraker/pseuds/Mossbraker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dumbo needs to do his taxes, but before he can do that, Dumbo and Pope Francis have to save Dumbo’s two human friends Milly and Joe (from the 2019 Tim Burton version of Dumbo) from the evil clutches of Sissy Spacek.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dumbo/Sissy Spacket</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dumbo had the perfect life. He lived in a huge mansion that had 24 rooms and three indoor pools and two outdoor pools (one full of water, and one to skateboard in). His royalties from the circus weren’t that great. They had given him bad rates. They thought, Oh this elephant, he doesn’t value his labor and so he got shafted but not like the cool black superhero. Dumbo didn’t mind, though, because Dumbo was financially literate. Dumbo had listened to all of Dave Ramsey’s Youtube videos and audiobooks. Dumbo couldn’t read books or pamphlets or anything on paper, because he didn’t have thumbs, but he could still listen to an audiobook. That was also how Dumbo consumed most of his porn. He needed a lot of porn because he was very single. </p><p>Dumbo took the money he got from the Circus and invested it in the stock market. He made millions. So he bought a huge home for himself and his two human friends, Joe and Milly. Milly wanted more than anything to do science, so Dumbo bought her a television so she could watch Mythbusters. Joe didn’t have interests. Dumbo bought him one of those ball and cup games so that he could still entertain himself. Joe worked at it and became a famous ball and cup champion. </p><p>The three of them had separate bedrooms, because Dumbo was just that rich. Dumbo’s two human friends made him happier than anything else in the entire world, including buttered corn on the cob. And you know how that dumb elephant loves buttered corn on the cob! He loves it as much as the next person, which is to say, a simply excruciating amount. </p><p>It was mid-April, and Dumbo knew that he needed to finish his taxes before the government raided his home. So when he woke, he jumped up from his waterbed. He was planning on going to the nearest H&amp;R Block, and bringing Milly and Joe with him so they could also do their taxes. </p><p>Dumbo walked into Joe’s room, which was full of posters of famous ball and cup players. They all had the physique of a greek god. Ball and cup was a game of difficult physical exertion, but it was also a mental game. Dumbo poked Joe with his trunk, which had some snot on it. The blanket fell off Joe, and Dumbo saw that Joe was practicing his ball and cup technique under the sheet. </p><p>“Dumbo! Hey, I didn’t know you were up!” Joe yelped. </p><p>Dumbo nodded. “Yes, it’s good to see that you’re up as well. We need to do our taxes today,” he said.</p><p>“That’s so lame, I hate taxes,” Joe scoffed. He was a Libertarian. It was the greatest source of contention in the house. Dumbo hated Libertarians. </p><p>“But taxes help people, Joe!” Dumbo felt like Hermione from Harry Potter, always nagging Ron and Harry about their homework.</p><p>“They don't help me, or my ball and cup game,” Joe scoffed again.</p><p>Dumbo left. Joe was absolutely consumed with his ball and cup game, and sometimes it made Dumbo a little mad, but in those moments Dumbo would just remove himself so he could cool down and get some perspective on the issue. </p><p>Dumbo went to wake up Milly, but when he got to her door there were fumes coming out. “OH NO, MILLY WAIT!” he cried. He burst into her room, which for him was just walking into her room, because -- and you might not have caught this from the movie -- Dumbo is an elephant. “Milly! Are you okay?!” </p><p>Milly looked up from her desk. She was poking at some sand-like material. “Yes, I’m fine. I was just testing my newest smoke bomb. I’m hiding it inside a bath bomb,” she replied.</p><p>“That’s a great idea, but we need to do our taxes today,” Dumbo said, tapping his pen on his clipboard. Milly sighed, and the three of them went downstairs.</p><p>Dumbo and his two human friends got in their car, a neon green Prius with ample bumper stickers. Most had been put on by Joe and were about Libertarianism. One was of a hedgehog with stars in it. Dumbo was glad it wasn’t Sonic the Hedgehog, who had recently come out as a Libertarian through his Fortnite Twitch stream. Joe had made everyone in the house watch that. Their first stop was to get gas, so they stopped by the best gas station in America-- 7/11. </p><p>Milly was filling the tank and Joe was playing with his ball and cup. Dumbo went inside to grab a coffee and some peanuts for himself. He wasn’t in there for long, but while he was in front of the peanut deciding between salted and honey-roasted, he saw a relatively short elderly woman walk up to the Prius. She was yelling at Milly. The elderly lady grabbed Milly by both of her shoulders and shook her forcefully like a corn on the cob. Joe threw the Prius door open and attempted to hit the frail elderly woman with his ball and cup.  Suddenly she yelled out, “I hate all elephants!” and threw a net at Milly and Joe. They immediately fell to the ground, trapped under the net. She tossed them in the back of her Ford Wrangler and drove away. Dumbo saw all of this while in line paying for his coffee and honey-roasted peanuts. He wished that the cashier was quicker so that he could have done something. But the woman in front of Dumbo was buying lottery tickets, and then cigarettes, and then cigars. </p><p>Two minutes after the very tall hunching woman left, Dumbo finally paid for his items, then rushed out of the 7-11 in a mad panic. His trunk gesticulating widely, he yelled, “MILLY! JOE! WHERE ARE YOU?!”</p><p>An elderly man dressed in all white turned to Dumbo and said with gravity, “They’re gone.” He took a long, hard breath from his vape pen and hacked out a great cloud of smoke. “Sissy Spacek took them,” he coughed. </p><p>“Pope Francis! What are you doing here?”</p><p>“I’m doing what I always do, interpreting the Bible and kicking ass, and I’m all out of Bible,” Pope Francis said. He threw his vape pen on the ground and snuffed it out like it was a cigarette. Plastic bits went everywhere and Dumbo wondered for a moment if he would consider this littering.  “Let’s go get them back,” the Pope said, sounding like Vin Diesel in a Fast and Furious movie.</p><p>“Hell yeah,” Dumbo said with enthusiasm. Pope Francis glared at him.</p><p>“Heck yeah,” Dumbo corrected himself. </p><p>“Right. Right. Heck yeah,” agreed the Pope. “We’ll need some guns for this. I know just the guy, let’s go!” </p><p>And so Dumbo and Pope Francis drove away into the dark of the night in Dumbo’s neon green Prius. Dumbo put on his aviator sunglasses. The Pope lit up on his vape.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Give and Elephant a Gun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Two: Give an Elephant a Gun</p><p>Dumbo sped away in his Neon Green Prius. Pope Francis had pulled out a second vape pen and began filling the car with fumes while discussing his newest sermon about that time Jesus walked on water. Dumbo was trying to listen, but he was having a hard time seeing the road, and the Pope’s directions were very vague. Turn left in a little bit? How much was a little bit? </p><p>“TURN LEFT NOW! YOU’RE GOING TO MISS THE TURN!” the Pope screeched at Dumbo, while letting off more vape fumes. </p><p>“Not today!” Dumbo turned the steering wheel with all the power of his trunk, and then pressed the grappling hook button on his Prius. The tires skidded. The Prius was now attached to a semi truck. They had the made turn. Dumbo was glad he had installed that grappling hook function after seeing the trailer for the newest Fast and the Furious movie. </p><p>“Tight,” the Pope said, and then continued on interpreting the Bible (he was all out of ass to kick).  Dumbo wasn’t religious, but he liked his new friend. The Pope was telling Dumbo a story about a really big flood and a dude who built a big boat and put animals on it. This is absolutely nuts, Dumbo thought. But Dumbo was an attentive listener and asked questions like, were people able to surf any big waves? No, said the Pope, surfing was only for Christians, and the only true Christian during the time was Noah, who didn’t have enough leftover wood to make a surfboard. Was I related to the elephants on the boat? Yes, said the Pope. Does that mean I’m a product of inbreeding? Dumbo asked. Yes, said the Pope. After that, Dumbo didn’t have any more questions and focused on driving. The way to the Pope’s gun dealer was long and meandered through a lot of wooded areas, but when they finally got there, Dumbo was impressed. </p><p>They drove up a short driveway to a stone brick cottage. There were vines growing on the eastern side of the home, and the sun was shining through a break in the trees. It was the closest Dumbo had ever felt to being a part of a Bob Ross painting, excluding the time he was a nude model for Bob Ross, and Bob Ross painted him. </p><p>BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. </p><p>A series of gunshots and grenades went off. BOOM. Trees fell in the distance. Smoke -- not vape smoke, but gun smoke -- surrounded Dumbo and Pope Francis. Pope Francis didn’t blink. <br/>Instead, he began to grin widely. </p><p>“Benedict! How are you?” He began to hug a figure that emerged from the smoke. Dumbo’s eyes were blurry from all the military-grade weapons that were just fired in his vicinity, but from what Dumbo could tell, this man was dressed in the same style of clothes that Pope Francis was dressed in. But there could only be one Pope, that much Dumbo knew. </p><p>Benedict smiled sagely. “I’m good, I’m good, I was just about to put on a kettle for some tea.” As the smoke cleared, the man began to regard the elephant. “Hmmm, Francis, have you brought an elephant to my house?”</p><p>“Yes, Dumbo is here with us. He was on his way to do his taxes, but he needed gas and stopped at the 7-11. It was there that Sissy Spacek kidnapped his two best friends. What were their names again, Dumbo?” </p><p>“Billy and Hoe,” Dumbo said automatically. </p><p>“That’s right Bill Nye and Flo the Progressive Lady, and we are going to save them!”</p><p>“But you need the guns to do so,” Benedict filled in, showing off his worldly knowledge.</p><p>“Yes. Anyway, Dumbo, this is the retired Pope Benedict. He’s my gun, weed, and Yu-Gi-Oh card dealer.” Pope Francis finished.</p><p>Pope Benedict walked over to a patch of suspicious-looking grass, scrambled around for a brief moment, and pulled up a heavy-looking chain. It revealed a hidden stairway into an underground bunker. The three of them began to walk into his Pope Lair. Dumbo was thankful that the hallways were elephant-sized. The walk took them about 20 minutes, and during the entire walk over, Pope Francis and Pope Benedict were gossiping about the Catholic Church. Dumbo didn’t know anything about the Catholic Church, aside from the worst things about Catholic Church, which he didn’t know how to bring up. But they were gossiping about trivial things, like how big God’s ass had gotten, and how many divorces Mother Teresa had gotten now that she was in heaven. </p><p>Eventually they got to a large safe. Pope Benedict put in a code. “The code is 1111 if either of you need to get in,” he told them. Dumbo was surprised that the Pope already trusted him with his password, but he felt warm. When Benedict was done with the code, the door began to move, revealing a treasure room full of guns. It was like that scene where Scrooge McDuck dives into his treasure room, but with guns, weed and Yu-Gi-Oh Cards. Pope Francis jumped in first, hitting a few guns and causing them to go off. Then Benedict dove in and set off a grenade. Dumbo was a little worried, but he wanted to feel cool like them, so he dove in too. Suddenly, flames erupted next to him. Guns were melting and knives’ handles were burning. The Egyptian gods’ cards were turning to dust. Dumbo scrambled to get off of the flamethrower he had landed on. </p><p>“Dumbo, calm down!” yelled Pope Francis, and so Dumbo did. He let his body go limp and fell into the guns. He fell deeper and deeper, until he landed in a different room. This room had no visible guns in it. It was a boring-looking room full of black wardrobes and black chests. </p><p>“Alright, we’re here, in my gun safe,” Benedict said, and spat on the ground. </p><p>“What was that other room?” Dumbo was sure that the first room, with all the guns in it, was the gun room. </p><p>“That was to throw off anyone who sneaks in here,” replied the retired Pope.</p><p>“Oh, because the password isn’t very secure?” Dumbo said.</p><p>“What are you talking about Dumbo?! 1111! Now that’s a very secure password. No one would think that I would use my lover’s birthday, November 11th, as a password!” said Pope Benedict. Dumbo was very curious about who Benedict’s lover could have been, but he didn’t ask. Dumbo respected privacy and boundaries. </p><p>Ex-Pope Benedict began opening the wardrobes and chests in the room. They were all full of guns, gun-like products, and weed. All the Yu-Gi-Oh Cards were in a single binder. One of the wardrobes had black suits, and Pope Francis began changing into one of the suits. It was only at that moment did Dumbo stop and really see, for the first time, the intensity of muscles that Pope Francis had. He was pure power. He was like Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon, but less hot and charming and not Asian and he definitely could not pull off that shag hair cut. But Pope Francis was pulling off the black suit he had put on. </p><p>“Do I get a suit as well?” Dumbo asked. </p><p>“No, you are an elephant.”</p><p>“Oh, okay,” Dumbo lamented. He had heard this from many people. When he asked the bank teller if he could have some checks, it was the answer he received. When he went to Target and tried to buy a dog bed, it was the same answer. When he ran for president and received his application back from the government, it was stamped with a “NO, YOU ARE AN ELEPHANT” stamp. Dumbo was used to it by now. But he still wanted that dog bed. </p><p>Dumbo secured a belt around his midsection, and then another one around his trunk. He put a bunch of guns on each belt, then attached a knife to his left front leg. He then looked at the other materials in the room and immediately went for the grappling hook and Phillips head screwdriver. </p><p>“You about ready, Dumbo?” Francis asked him.</p><p>“Yes,” Dumbo replied. </p><p>“Then let me show you to the chopper,” Ex-Pope-Benedict said. Dumbo had never ridden in a helicopter before, so he didn't say anything about how he could fly.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Man Who Ordered the Banana Coffee</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Three: The Man Who Ordered the Banana Coffee</p><p>Pope Francis was driving the helicopter. He landed on some random house with a flat roof in Chicago. Dumbo tried not to think about the person who lived in that house. What would they do once they had seen the abandoned helicopter? Was that something you could go to the police about? Weren't helicopters heavy? What if it caved the house in -- would insurance pay for damages from an abandoned helicopter? Dumbo tried his best to suppress these thoughts. </p><p>Dumbo pulled out the grappling hook he got from Ex-Pope Benedict’s gun lair, and the three of them began to grapple down the side of the building. Pope Francis struck up a conversation with Dumbo. It was a conversation that they had been avoiding for the short time they’d spent together. </p><p>“So Dumbo, what do you know about Sissy Spacek anyway?” Pope Francis asked Dumbo. </p><p>“I know what everyone knows, she was the star in the original Carrie movie.” Dumbo was looking toward the ground, avoiding Pope Benedict’s eyes. </p><p>“Fuck, how did you know that Dumbo?” Pope Francis was taken aback. Was Dumbo some sort of Roger Ebert type?</p><p>“I was a big Sissy Spacek fan back in the 90’s when she was still in movies,” Dumbo revealed. </p><p>“Wow, Dumbo. You don’t think she might have some kind of grudge against you for being a fan, would she?” Pope Francis asked. </p><p>“She wasn’t in The Grudge,” Dumbo responded, showing off how much he knew about another movie. </p><p>“Hmm, we’ll get to the bottom of this. I know a guy who can give us a lead,” The Pope said. </p><p>They were on the street now. They walked a few blocks, not talking. Dumbo was eating circus peanuts, and Pope Francis was vaping. After a short while, they got to a laundromat. It had hand statues placed outside. It looked like you could sit on them if you weren’t in a hurry, like Dumbo and the Pope were. Pope Francis led them straight to the back. There, he addressed the employee, who was playing with a ball and cup. </p><p>“I’m here for the double mocha cappuccino. Large,” the Pope told the employee. </p><p>“This is a laundromat,” the laundromat employee said, and went back to focusing on his ball and cup game. He had good defense, but lacked a solid offensive, and any aggressive ball and cup player would be able to defeat him with ease. </p><p>“What? No, boy. I AM HERE FOR THE DOUBLE MOCHA CAPPUCCINO LARGE!” Then the Pope tried to wink, but he couldn't do it; he just blinked. </p><p>“I’m sorry sir, if you want coffee you might want to go Starbucks,” the employee suggested, not looking up. Dumbo was feeling a little embarrassed at this point. Did the Pope really come to a laundry mat to order a fancy coffee? It was a good thing Dumbo had all these guns. He could kill himself at any point. </p><p>“Right, right, of course. I’m here for the Double Mocha Cappuccino -- Grande,” said the Pope confidently.</p><p>The laundromat employee grinned widely. “It’s good to see you, Pope Francis.” He then opened up a secret compartment behind him. Dumbo and the Pope walked through. Dumbo was glad that this secret compartment in the back of a laundromat was big enough for elephants. They walked into the compartment and came out on the other side. They were behind the counter of a Starbucks Coffee. Pope Francis threw Dumbo an apron. </p><p>They worked for four hours. Dumbo learned a lot about how to make coffee. It was also his first time working with money. He had never seen a penny before. He kept the first one -- he just put it in his pocket. He hoped the Starbucks would notice their lacking one cent of profits, but Dumbo could never be sure in the capitalist hellscape they lived in. </p><p>Eventually, after a few hours of working, a man in jorts and a black suit coat walked up and ordered a drip coffee with a shot of banana flavoring and no cream. Dumbo thought this sounded like a pretty good drink, and he added it to his list of drinks to try. Pope Francis stopped him.</p><p>“Did that man just ask for a coffee with banana flavoring and no cream?” Pope Francis asked, grabbing Dumbo softly by the trunk. </p><p>“Yes,” Dumbo replied. </p><p>“He’s what we’re waiting on.” Pope Francis turned to the customer. “Come with us,” he motioned. Pope Francis took the customer by his hand. They went back through the secret compartment, leaving the Starbucks unmanned. They went back to the laundromat, put their aprons through a single wash cycle, and spoke to the man who ordered the banana coffee. </p><p>“What do you know about Sissy Spacek?” the Pope said to the man who ordered the banana coffee. The man’s face turned dark. </p><p>“Wow, you’re going after the big Spacek,” the man who ordered the banana coffee said gravely. “She’s dangerous. She’s beautiful, but dangerous.”</p><p>“Beautiful, yeah, but we gotta save Lily and Job. She kidnapped my friends and I can’t let her get away with that,” Dumbo piped up.</p><p>“Wow. I didn't think she would stoop to child kidnapping. I mean, what is this? A goddamn Amy Schumer movie,” </p><p>Dumbo was livid. How dare this man insult the author of this fanfic?! There is nothing lower in the world of comedy than Amy Shcumer, except for Carlos Mencia. Everytime Dumbo watched her standup, he would notice an instance of joke thievery and then vomit. Dumbo understood the honor of being a standup comic, and there's simply no honor in joke thievery. Dumbo knew that the author of this fanfic was probably a pretty decent open-mic standup comedian who was trying their hardest to get their foot in the door in a city with a god-awful standup comedy scene. </p><p>The man who ordered the banana flavored coffee kept talking. “But I know where Sissy Spacek lives. Have you heard of Dumbo, the dumb fucking elephant?” Dumbo got this a lot. He tried not to get angry when he heard it, but still, his trunk twitched. “Sissy Spacek is Dumbo’s neighbor. They live in the hills. You can tell which house is Dumbo’s because he’s the only one in the neighborhood with an elephant-sized door. And Sissy’s house is to the left of that.”</p><p>“Wow, how do you know this?” asked the Pope.</p><p>“I work for the PVA. By the way, tell Ex-Pope Benedict that I got his property taxes covered this year,” The man who ordered the banana coffee turned and walked back into the Starbucks. Dumbo tried to call after him and let him know that he was doing all this to try to pay his taxes, but it was too late. </p><p>Dumbo then turned to Pope Francis and asked, “Who was that?”</p><p>Pope Francis was taken aback. “You didn’t recognize him? Wow, Dumbo, I thought you were cool.” This hurt Dumbo’s feelings a little bit, but Dumbo didn’t really pride himself on being cool. Rather, he prided himself on his ability to be like the water on a whale’s back-- flowing. And also on his ability to play the stock market, and also that he was an elephant who could fly.  “That was Chuck Norris,” the Pope explained.</p><p>“W-- Wow,” Dumbo said, as if he knew who that was. Dumbo did a quick search on his phone and watched all ten minutes of the fight between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Good God! This Chuck fellow is very hairy, Dumbo thought.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Four: Helicopter Explosion vs Margaret Thatcher</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Four: Helicopter Explosion vs Margaret Thatcher</p><p>Dumbo and Pope Francis were waiting for their Uber to show up so they could go back to Dumbo’s really cool mansion house. It was broad daylight, and they had been waiting a regular amount of time for an Uber, so like, god I don't know, maybe 2 or 3 hours. They were staring up into the sky and discussing the shapes of various clouds. Pope Francis said they all looked like cool things to make with vape clouds. Dumbo didn’t agree. He said that one definitely looked like a photorealistic Margaret Thatcher, but Pope Francis said it looked like cool vape smoke. Then as they began discussing Margarget Thatcher’s politics, they saw a helicopter fly through the air. It was the same helicopter they had ditched on the top of some rando’s house! </p><p>The helicopter was doing cool stunts in the air, making loops. But then, in the blink of an eye, it happened. The helicopter wrote in the sky: “I HAVE THE DEEDS TO THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE AND WILL SELL IT FOR 4 MILLION DOLLARS.” A millionaire got on a loudspeaker and said he’d take it, then wrote his signature on a contract written in the sky and flew off to his new bridge. Dumbo squinted his eyes and saw that the man driving the helicopter was none other than Chuck Norris.This is how all real estate transitions happened on the west coast. </p><p>“Pope Francis! That’s Chuck Norris in the helicopter!” </p><p>“What?! But he doesn’t own the Golden Gate Bridge!” The Pope was taken aback. </p><p>“I know -- the Golden Gate Bridge, Highway and Transportation District does! He’s committing fraud!” Dumbo had this Chuck Norris guy all figured out. Pope Francis was livid. There was no crime greater than white-collar crime, especially when it involved California landmarks. </p><p>“Goddamnit! I would have never expected white-collar crime from our very own property valuation officer employees! Something here isn’t quite adding up.” The Pope flipped through his book of notes, most of which were about the Bible or Catholic Church gossip. </p><p>“Dumbo...let’s pray about this,” the Pope said. Dumbo stared at him blankly . </p><p>And then the helicopter exploded. </p><p>Chuck Norris, being himself, was completely unphased. Chunks of the helicopter fell around Dumbo and the Pope, but they were not hit with any major debris, just a few screws. Dumbo was preoccupied by thoughts of the white-collar crime he had just witnessed. He was annoyed, not because he hated crime or anything, but because the explosion had completely destroyed the photorealistic cloud that looked like Margaret Thatcher. Dumbo wasn’t sexually attracted to Margaret Thatcher (not since grade school, at least), but he had still thought it was a cool cloud. </p><p>While the helicopter was exploding, their Uber drove up and got hit with one of the helicopter blades. The driver was not hurt, but the car radio was completely destroyed. The Pope and Dumbo needed to call another Uber. Luckily, this one only took an hour to get to them, and there were no helicopter explosions. </p><p>A Ford truck drove up. It was their new Uber. The Pope got in the front seat, and Dumbo got in the bed of the truck. The truck dropped a few inches and the driver made a face, but Pope Francis squinted his eyes in a vicious glare, and the Uber driver did not say anything. They drove back to Dumbo’s house while listening to old episodes of the Opie and Anthony Show. Pope Francis gave the uber driver a 4.9 out of 5. The drive had been almost perfect, but Pope Francis was not a fan of the Opie and Anthony Show. </p><p>The Uber driver had taken the long way home, so it was 1 AM by the time they got back to Dumbo’s house. Dumbo showed the Pope to his Catholic-themed guest room. Dumbo had 15 different themed guest bedrooms. The Pope thanked him, and they decided to take the next day to blow off some steam and take a break from this whole kidnapping thing they spent the entire day doing. </p><p>Dumbo wandered around his very cool and expensive house for a while before going to bed. He went to Willy’s room. He had set up elaborate machines to train him to become a better ball and cup player. After years of rigorous mental and physical training, he was finally a pro,. Dumbo had been so proud of him. But then he joined a Libertarian book club that was funded from the Ayn Rand Institute, and things changed. Willy still loved ball and cup, but now he put on Adam Smith audiobooks while he trained. He would come to dinner and talk about “free enterprise.” Dumbo didn’t know what to do. He had very different opinions on economics than his friend, and it was starting to divide their friendship. </p><p>Dumbo went to sleep in his room. He put the picture of Zilly and Goe face down on his desk. He took off the large poster of Dave Ramsey and pinned it up backwards on his wall. Dumbo began to hyperventilate, thinking about how he had lost his two human friends. He thought that maybe he should be like the Pope and pray whenever he felt any discomfort or anxiety.</p><p>Just then, in the blink of an eye, a man in a pinstripe suit with a golden fedora and wraparound sunglasses burst into Dumbo’s room door via the closet. He did a front roll, like Link does as a child in Ocarina of Time. He got up off the ground and pulled out a bow and arrow. He immediately aimed at the elephant’s wallet, which was laying on his dresser. “DUMBO!” he cried. Dumbo stared at the man and wondered where he had put all those guns he got from Pope Benedict earlier that day. “I’m the Taxman,” the man said.</p><p>“I think you're a criminal at this point,” Dumbo said, hoping he didn’t have to explain the nature of the man’s crime. (It was breaking and entering.)</p><p>“HA! Crime! There are exceptions for tax collectors. Look here,” the man said. He pulled out a large document that said The Way of the Tax Collector on the front. “This is the manual  they give all government employees on how to collect taxes. Now look here.” The man opened the manual to the second chapter, where it outlined exactly what the Taxman had just done. </p><p>Break into the citizen’s house, then wait in the citizen’s closet. <br/>While waiting in the closet, ensure that you are not becoming gay. <br/>When the taxpayer comes home, wait until they are comfortable. Signs of their comfort include: masturbating, watching reality shows, and crying profusely. <br/>Once they're comfortable, do a front roll out of their closet and threaten their money. </p><p>Dumbo kept reading, saw that the next suggestion involved an intrusive geese being placed on his lawn, and decided to stop right there.  </p><p>“Wow, you’re very by the book,” Dumbo said. Dumbo knew all about books, considering he had a huge library in his big mansion. It was the coolest part of his Celebrity Cribs episode. It was so cool that they didn’t even show it on MTV. Rather, they put it on the Criterion Channel’s Youtube page. Dumbo felt like an auteur, like Jackie Gleason. </p><p>“Dumbo, it’s April 16th, and you haven’t done your taxes.” The tax collector pulled out a clipboard, and stared down at Dumbo. </p><p>“Well, I’m working on it. Can’t I get an extension?” Dumbo asked.</p><p>“Not this year! You think Trump was just going to keep tax extensions around?” the Tax Collector barked at Dumbo. </p><p>“Well, it’s only 12:01 on April 16th,”  Dumbo pleaded.</p><p>“Well then, I’ll just be taking this,” the tax man said, as he went for Dumbo’s wallet. This was also clearly outlined in the manual that lay before Dumbo. </p><p>The Pope kicked open Dumbo’s door. “I wouldn't be doing that if I were you!” he yelled </p><p>“Pope Francis!” cried the Tax Collector. Then he evaporated. </p><p>“How did you do that Pope?” Dumbo inquired politely.</p><p>“Just a little trick God taught me.” The Pope was grinning. </p><p>After the Pope left,  Dumbo tried to go to sleep. Dumbo liked to listen to the radio when he fell asleep. In the past he liked to listen to Garrison Keilor and his fanciful tales of Lake Wobegon. But now that he was an older and more serious elephant, he would just listen to the BBC to get updates on the news. He mostly liked it, but felt that often the BBC voices were too excited and spoke with too great an energy for Dumbo’s taste. This was a minor complaint, though. </p><p>The news tonight was very interesting. Apparently Margaret Thatcher’s ghost had taken control of a section of clouds. ‘Oh! I saw that in the sky!’ Dumbo thought to himself. </p><p>The BBC reporter went on, “This photorealistic section of clouds that looked exactly like Margaret Thatcher fought with every single helicopter that attempted to go through her. We spoke with Meryl Streep, who played Marget Thatcher in the 2011 movie The Iron Lady.  Meryl, why do you think Margaret Thatcher hates helicopters?”</p><p>“Well, now this is just me, just me, but personally I don't like it when a helicopter attempts to move through my body. I say this as a solid, alive human being, and not as a ghost that has taken possession of a collection of clouds. But I am confident in my understanding of Margaret Thatcher's ghost,” Meryl Streep said diplomatically. Dumbo really felt like she understood Margaret Thatcher. </p><p>“Wow, you bring unmatched understanding to the BBC. Now, what do you have to say about Margaret Thatcher's cloud ghost then pulling out a cloud-knife on the helicopters and attempting to stab them, Joker-style, in the cockpits?” inquired the reporter.</p><p>“Well, I would have to say -- for one thing, the cockpit is basically the throat of the helicopter, so it makes a lot of sense that she would go for that major artery. I mean, the helicopter did explode, right?” Meryl Streep asked. </p><p>“Oh, yes, there were at least three helicopter explosions due to Margaret Thatcher’s ghost today. It did untold damage to--”</p><p> </p><p>And then Dumbo fell asleep. He drooled a little that night, but not so much that he would need a new pillow the next morning.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Five: Beach Episode</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Five: Beach Episode</p><p>Dumbo and Pope Francis had decided to take the day off from finding Sissy Spacek and rescuing Dumbo’s two human friends, Opie and Anthony. Yesterday had been a long day, and they both needed some time to rest. They put on their bathing suits and walked out to the beach that Dumbo owned because he was rich. It was only a small part of the beach, and it was surrounded on both sides by the public beach. Dumbo didn’t mind this because he cared about his fellow man, but it also meant Dumbo’s beach was often occupied by random people and SpongeBob background characters. </p><p>Dumbo tried not to look at Pope Francis’s body, but his bathing suit was showing off his muscles and bible knowledge. He had a bunch of cool bible verses tattooed to his 9-pack abs. Dumbo wore a glittery purple one-piece suit. It looked really cool, like he was in an 80s music video. Dumbo liked to wear it and pretend he was Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. Then he would go inside and pretend he was Jennifer Beals in The L Word, and that he was working a stressful job at an art museum, but had a hot babe at home to have sex with one time in the first episode and then never again. </p><p>They went down to the oceanside. Pope Francis got out his beach read, Gone Girl, and began sunbathing. He was taking notes on the book for his next sermon. He knew that church goers loved murder mysteries, and that if he was able to successfully connect Gone Girl to the story of Job, he would go down as the Best Pope in History (BPH). </p><p>Dumbo couldn't read and so he decided to take a swim. He loved swimming because he was an elephant and all elephants love to be in the water. He was spinning and splashing by himself, having a great time and not seeing any sharks at all. He was thinking about all the cool beach activities he and the Pope could do together. Playing volleyball was high on the list, and so was blindfolding one another and trying to destroy a watermelon with a baseball bat. Also on the list  was watching and reacting to SpongeBob episodes. Dumbo was pumped for it all. He was daydreaming so hard, he didn’t see a cop (disguised as a hammerhead shark) pop out of the water. </p><p>“Dumbo, you didn’t do your taxes!” the cop yelled at him, and Dumbo didn’t move. Dumbo thought that perhaps the cop was like a T-Rex and wouldn't see him if he didn’t move. The cop did what all cops do when they see anything (except a white person) and got out his gun. </p><p>“Fuck, you’re right. You’re right!” Dumbo cried.</p><p>The cop put his gun back in his gun belt. </p><p>“I need to save my two human friends from Sissy Spacek first, and then we can do our taxes together, as friends,” Dumbo said. </p><p>“Oh, I didn’t realize you were in the middle of saving your dependents from being kidnapped. Well, be on your way then,” said the police officer. Then he left. Dumbo let out a sigh and did what he had to do: he shot the cop. He hated the police because he was the hero of this story and all heroes should hate the police and other racist institutions. That was why Dumbo also hated the school to prison pipeline. If you need any help in how to work on becoming anti-racist, just ask Dumbo. </p><p>Dumbo got out of the water. He went to spread out his very large beach towel (he was an elephant, after all) so that he could sunbathe. He had brought a DVD player and the movie Magnolia. He put the DVD in and was enjoying the FBI warning and trailers when Pope Francis came running toward him. He was yelling his name, trying to get his attention. </p><p>Pope Francis ran up to Dumbo. “Hey, let’s play a game of beach volleyball!” he said, and pointed in the direction of a beach volleyball court. There was a large lobster-man, who introduced himself as Larry the Lobster. Larry’s volleyball partner was a straight-up sponge with pants on. Dumbo figured this would be an easy beach volleyball match. </p><p>The lobster served the ball. It went to the back right corner, and the Pope had to dive to get it. Dumbo hit the ball over the net, and it hit the motionaless sponge. The ball stayed on the ground. </p><p>“SPONGEBOB!” the lobster yelled at this partner. “I’m sorry, give me a moment to talk with my teammate.” The lobster began talking with the inanimate yet living object. Dumbo was worried about the sponge. He hoped that the water wasn’t next to a superfund site.</p><p>“I don’t have a good feeling about this,” Pope Francis said to Dumbo. The lobster was red with anger, and also because he was a lobster and that was what color he was. But additionally, he was even redder than a usual lobster because of his anger. </p><p>The Lobster spit on the ground. “You guys ready?” </p><p>The sponge said nothing and made no movement, so Dumbo spoke. “I’m ready, I’m ready!” he said. Pope Francis gazed at Dumbo with wide eyes. </p><p>Suddenly, the sponge got up on two legs. “Are you mocking me?!” he yelled.  He grabbed Dumbo by the collar and pulled out a small bubble blower from his pants. “Don’t make me use this,” he threatened. And with that, the sponge with pants on went back to his side of the court and went back to seemingly being an inanimate object. </p><p>“Whoa,” Pope Francis said. And with that, Dumbo served the ball. The lobster spiked it, but Pope Francis hit it back immediately and scored a point when he hit the sponge again. This sequence of events happened 21 times. Dumbo and the Pope beat the sponge and the lobster without losing a single point. The lobster shook the Pope’s hand and Dumbo’s hoof, but the sponge didn’t move. The lobster made a point of apologizing for his friend “Spongebob,” and Dumbo and Pope Francis walked away. </p><p>They walked in the opposite direction of the lobster and found themselves in a less-populated part of the beach. The Pope was walking in front of Dumbo. But suddenly, after a loud SWOOSH noise, Dumbo was no longer walking behind the Pope. </p><p>“Dumbo? Dumbo, where did you go?!” The Pope was so confused and anxious. He got out his vape stick and lit up. He kept looking for Dumbo, but after about ten seconds of not having any luck, he put his hands together and prayed to God. </p><p>“I’m right here, I’m right here!” Dumbo said from the sky. “I’m in the net, attached to the only palm tree on this beach.” </p><p>“Oh right, how could I have missed you, considering you are literally an elephant?” the Pope wondered. And then, as he walked over to cut Dumbo down, there was a loud THUD as he fell in a hole. The hole was disguised by palm tree leaves, so it was a little bit understandable how he had fallen in. </p><p>“GOD DARN HOLE!” the Pope yelled, upon realizing that he had dropped his vape pen outside of the hole and was trapped in the sand with no way to vape. He looked up to the sky, hoping to see God, but instead he saw Dumbo’s big ol’ butt. </p><p>“Don’t worry Pope, I’ve heard about this. It’s called a trap hole! Apparently you have less than 1000 life points!” Dumbo said from above. </p><p>“HA HA HA, You’ve fallen into my trap!” A man said, he was in a pinstripe suit with a golden fedora and wrap around sunglasses leaned over the hole the Pope had fallen into. The Pope’s eyes widened. </p><p>“Dammit, you’re not Dumbo! You-- the man in the pinstripe suit leaning over the hole -- are a tax collector! I’d know that uniform anywhere, but especially trapped in a hole without either something to vape or my Bible!” The Pope was in absolute anguish. He would do anything to be able to vape and interpret the Bible. </p><p>The tax collector was equally surprised and disappointed. “God damn it! You’re not Dumbo,” the man said. The Pope was surprised that it took him so long to put that together, but he did remember a time a blind Italian woman said she mistook him for an elephant, so it checked out. </p><p>The tax collector threw the Pope a rope ladder, and the Pope climbed up. Once he was out of the hole, he looked at the tax collector, stared right into the face of the public servant, and then kicked him into the hole. It was just like he had seen in the only decent Zack Snyder movie, 300. He got out his vape stick, lit up, and then cut Dumbo out of the tree with a scythe he had in his pocket. </p><p>“You could have waited to vape until after I was out of the tree, man! But also, thanks for getting me out of the tree,” Dumbo said. The pope hung his head. He threw the vape pen on the ground and tried to break it. This was difficult because they were on a beach, so the pen kind of got buried in the sand rather than broken in any way. The Pope let out a big huff. </p><p>“You’re right, Dumbo,” the Pope admitted. Maybe he was more attached to his vape than he realized.</p><p>They walked along the beach for a long time. Dumbo was struggling to find what he wanted to say. The pope was busy feeling shame over being a vape addict. The tax collector’s presence made it hard to have a good conversation, because he was busy yelling at the top of his lungs. He wanted someone to help him get out of that hole, but the only people on this side of the beach were Dumbo, Pope Francis, and the lobster. </p><p>“Dumbo, this beach episode has been fun, but we need to get back to business,” said the Pope.</p><p>“Oh yeah, those kidnapped friends of mine!” Dumbo remembered.</p><p>“No, I need to go to my Vapers Anonymous meeting.” The Pope looked out to the ocean. He was lost in thought. “I haven't been in a while.”</p><p>“Oh… Do I have to come?” Dumbo asked hesitantly. He had never vaped or shown any signs of being addicted to anything, except for Diet Coke. The idea of going to any kind of addiction support meeting made Dumbo uncomfortable. Would he be invading their space? </p><p>“It would mean a lot to me if you did,” the Pope said earnestly. </p><p>“Oh, well sure, let’s go to your Vapers Anonymous meeting,” Dumbo said, trying not to make it into a big deal, even though he was internally screaming.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter Six: Vapers Anonymous</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Six: Vapers Anonymous</p><p>The Vapers Anti-Atheist Anonymous (VAAA) meeting that Pope Francis took Dumbo to was only for religious leaders. Gandhi was there, and so was L. Ron Hubbard, and the Kaaba from Mecca (it took up a lot of space, but everyone was accepting of it). </p><p>Everyone made their introductions. They sat in a circle. The Kaaba from Mecca had to use about 15 chairs to actually sit down, and even then, it was so heavy that it broke two of the chairs. Dumbo wanted to google how heavy it was. Since the meeting had not started yet, he did. He could not find any conclusive Quora answer on how much the Kaaba weigheds, but Dumbo (Author’s note: right now, in this sentence, Dumbo is just a stand-in for the author) wanted to know that, so maybe if you’re reading add a review with a guess of the Kaaba’s weight. </p><p>Dumbo felt weird in Vaping AA. He felt self-conscious accompanying the Pope. He didn't want anyone thinking that Pope Francis had just brought him because Dumbo himself couldn't admit he was a vaping addict. That was not what was going on. He sat and decided to give 100 percent of his attention to the meeting. </p><p>L. Ron Hubbard talked about how difficult it was to stop vaping now that he was dead. His fingers had decomposed over a vape pen. He and his vape clouds were one. Other religious leaders chimed in and said that spiritually, even if we’ve stopped vaping, we’re all decomposing into our vape pens. Dumbo’s mind was blown. L. Ron Hubbard then went on to share a good thing that was happening in his life, which was that Black Scientologists were on the rise after Eric Andre and Hannibal Buress had become missionaries for his church. Everyone clapped and was very happy for L. Ron Hubbard. </p><p>Other religious leaders shared as well. When it was Gandhi’s turn, he said that the only nourishment he got on his hunger strikes was when he vaped some fruit flavors. The Kaaba from Mecca, though, had the most painful story for Dumbo to listen to. </p><p>The Kaaba basically told a version of ”The Gift of the Magi,” but with a vape pen and some vape liquid. It was incredibly sad, but Dumbo couldn’t resist asking where the Kaaba’s mouth or vape hole was. The Kaaba didn't say anything, but then the Pope whispered an explanation in Dumbo’s big ol’ ears. “That’s the Kaaba of Mecca” Dumbo was a worldly fellow, so he already knew this, but was polite so he still smiled at the Pope. </p><p>The Kaaba from Mecca had had a truly terrible life, Dumbo now understood. The meeting was wrapping up, and Dumbo wanted to know what the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, but apparently it was the first meeting he went to and he was testing the waters. He said he felt the VAAA was a bit too religious for his liking, and he didn’t know if he would come back. The Pope said that there were a lot of political leaders that came to a few sessions, then understood that their vaping addiction was not in any way related to their religion and went to a different addiction meeting. </p><p>At the end, the Pope and Dumbo were shaking hands with everyone and getting ready to leave. Dumbo was pretty glad that he got a chance to shake Gandhi's hand. But he had a hard time finding something to shake on the Kaaba of Mecca. </p><p>L. Ron Hubbard came up to them after everyone else had left. “Dumbo, I heard you were searching for children!” </p><p>“What?” Dumbo replied.</p><p>“Your children. They’re with Sissy Spacek now,” L Ron Hubbard said with gravity (and I’m not talking about the Sandra Bullock kind). </p><p>“Yeah, that’s what we’re trying to do, save my friends and then do our taxes!” Dumbo wondered just how much Pope Francis had told this guy about their adventures. </p><p>“DUMBO, NO!” Hubbard yelled suddenly. This surprised Dumbo, as L. Ron Hubbard was an even-tempered man. His soft voice moved through the world like a pigeon through the jungle. That is to say, he wasn't really suited for all the vines of this metaphorical  jungle, and so his voice came out completely mangled. Mostly it was like Tom Waits’ voice, but rougher. </p><p>“DON’T DO YOUR TAXES, DUMBO!” Hubbard kept yelling.</p><p>“Oh God, here we go again,” the Pope said offhandedly. </p><p>“What does that mean?” Dumbo asked. He was listening to L. Ron Hubbard. </p><p>“DUMBO, taxes are for losers who make too much money!” Hubbard continued. The Pope grabbed Dumbo’s hand and led him outside, away from the [insert roast joke about L. Ron Hubbard here, I know you have one]. </p><p>“Everyone should pay their taxes, Dumbo,” said the Pope. “This country needs money for bridges and infrastructure, and for social aid. It is frustrating that half that money goes into the national defense, but still -- bridges! Plus, the military is closest to socialism that America has ever gotten.” </p><p>Dumbo considered his experiences with the military. “Once, an army recruiter asked me to do pull-ups in the quad of a community college that has since closed,” he finally responded. The Pope closed his eyes in frustration. Dumbo knew that the Pope had to deal with the military-industrial complex on a daily basis. He put a grey hoof on the Pope’s shoulder. They both let a single tear fall from their respective cheeks. </p><p>Author’s Note:<br/>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yet2Q0M32GQ&amp;t=3s</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter Seven: BP Gas Station Bathroom Blues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They left the bathroom of the BP Gas Station, where the VAAA meeting had been held. Dumbo was glad to see that the next person using the bathroom was bringing in some lightbulbs. Maybe the lighting would be better for the next VAAA meetings. </p><p>When they went outside, there was a helicopter in the parking lot and scorch marks on both of the buildings that surrounded the parking lot. There was a lot of broken glass, and it seemed like several fire departments had been called. </p><p>“DUMBO!” called a voice from above.</p><p>“W--what?” Dumbo turned his head. He wasn’t familiar with the voice. It was also hard to hear because there was a loud helicopter noise. Dumbo was not used to this noise because he lived in a nice neighborhood where helicopters were banned. Dumbo was actually on the neighborhood helicopter watch, and three days a week he’d go out on his roof and shoot down any helicopter that was in the sky of their neighborhood. Dumbo was overwhelmed with pride when he remembered fulfilling this civic duty that he kicked ass at. Damn, Dumbo did more than vote! Dumbo was truly moving democracy forward in his local municipal district.</p><p>But for the time being, Dumbo wasn’t on civic duty, and shooting a helicopter out of the sky in this district was illegal. He hoped that the helicopter pilot wasn’t aware of local air laws, but then he saw a huge license in the helicopter window. It took up about a fourth of the glass. But it didn’t matter because this was a huge helicopter. One-fourth of a window was the size of a whole normal-sized helicopter. </p><p>“HEY!” The voice from the Helicopter yelled at Dumbo again. </p><p>Dumbo was frustrated: he hated illegal helicopters, and he hated talking to strangers even more (he was not a fan of Malcolm Gladwell, so he hadn’t read his book on the subject). This situation felt like when he went up against a zombie deck user in the Yu-Gi-Oh card game. That deck was just unfair. </p><p>Dumbo didn't want to have to shoot down a helicopter just to get his morning cup of joe. He wouldn't have gotten it at BP anyway - he hadn't bought coffee from BP since the 2010 oil spill - but nonetheless, he needed to get out of the gas station. Hopefully he could get to the Thornton's across the street without being followed by any illegal air vehicles.</p><p>“It’s me, Chuck Norris,” Chuck Norris yelled out of the helicopter to Dumbo. </p><p>“Goddamn it, it’s Chuck Norris!” the Pope exclaimed with a coffee in his hand. He didn't care about the environment, so he was buying his coffee from BP. Dumbo was mostly fine with that. At the very least, he wouldn't say anything to the Pope’s face about it. </p><p>“Chuck Norris!” Dumbo exclaimed.</p><p>“DUMBO, I HATE YOU!” Chuck Norris yelled at Dumbo. </p><p>“Whoa, what?!” Dumbo replied automatically. </p><p>“I AM AN ELEPHANT HATER!” Norris reiterated, and tore open his button-down shirt to reveal a tight t-shirt with a sad elephant on it. A tear ran down Dumbo’s cheek. He had heard of elephant haters before, but he never thought that the martial arts champion Chuck Norris would be one of them.</p><p>Then, as quickly as the tear had fallen down Dumbo's cheek, it happened. Chuck Norris jumped out of his helicopter, landed right in front of a very sad Dumbo, and roundhouse-kicked him in both of the ears. With a great leap, he jumped back into his helicopter, sat down for a few hours and read all of JD Salinger’s Franny and Zooey, threw a smoke bomb down, and left. </p><p>“Dumbo! Are you okay?” The Pope came over and comforted Dumbo. </p><p>“Yeah, my ears are made of pure muscle and cartilage, so I’m alright,” Dumbo replied, a bit shaken.</p><p>“That’s good to hear,” the Pope said.</p><p>“Let’s just ignore Chuck Norris. There are a lot of Elephant-Haters out there, and if we focus on all the hate in the world, then we’ll never finish our taxes,” Dumbo said with resolve.</p><p>“I couldn't have said it better myself, Dumbo,” agreed the Pope. But Dumbo knew that the Pope could have said it better himself, because the Pope could have just asked God what words to use. Dumbo didn’t have God up his sleeve. But still, he appreciated the Pope for saying that. The compliment made him feel a little bit like JD Salinger. </p><p>Dumbo took a deep breath. “I think it’s time we go visit Sissy Spacek ourselves,” he said with finality. </p><p>With that, they went to the computer to put her address into Google Maps. At first, the Pope went to Bing Maps, but Dumbo complained loudly and the Pope went to AskJeeves instead. Dumbo tried to bite back his criticism of the Pope’s taste in search engines -- for real, it was 2020 and the Pope was using AskJeeves? AskJeeves Maps showed that Sissy Spacek’s home was 200 meters from Dumbo. It gave directions to the house via the LA train system. It would take them only five hours to get to her house. They packed some sandwiches and walked to the train station.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter Eight: Murder on the Dumbo Express!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Eight: Murder on the Dumbo Express! </p><p>They got to the train station an hour later. The Pope had asked if they could go to the Starbucks at the back of the laundromat, but Dumbo was sure that the train would have coffee. Dumbo was glad that it was a train station for elephants. Those were rarely made, ever since The War. Dumbo hated flying over trains, so he was glad that he could sit in a compartment. </p><p>He was playing a game of gin rummy with the Pope when a fat lady bringing snacks came by their compartment. They didn’t want any snacks, as they had brought their sandwiches from home. Dumbo liked that the Pope was cool with this.  It saved him money, which he could then put back into the stock market. The Pope was very distracted and kept playing with things in his pocket. Dumbo worried he was going to light up again, but he knew that it was illegal to vape on a train, and the Pope would never go against the laws of the land. </p><p>Dumbo was heading to the bathroom to take a big poop and check the Dow Jones when he accidentally ran into a man. Dumbo tried to say sorry, but the man just spat on him, called him the E word, and walked away. </p><p>Dumbo was in the bathroom and had just gotten done with his bowel movement, when suddenly he heard a cry from another compartment. He washed his hands for more than a minute and ran out of the bathroom. “What was that?” he wondered. </p><p>Dumbo and Pope Francis went to the hallway, but they were quickly ushered back into their compartment by a man in a bowler hat and what looked like a pigeon for a mustache. After that, Dumbo and the Pope played the card game President for a few more hours, and then they went to sleep. </p><p>In the morning, they were walking to the dinner car when they overheard the man with the pigeon for a mustache say, “I see evil on this train.” The Pope and Dumbo exchanged looks, but kept walking to the dinner car. They both ordered grilled cheese sandwiches with coffee. There was an air of gloom over the train. Just then, the train came to a halt. </p><p>“A passenger has died on the train,” the pigeon faced man’s assistant said. Dumbo and the Pope were scandalized. Then they heard the pigeon-faced man say, “He was murdered!”</p><p>Dumbo and the Pope gasped. No one else did. The other passengers all seemed like they knew it was going to happen.  </p><p>“And the murderer is still on the train!” the man continued. Dumbo and the Pope gasped again. Still, no one else moved or seemed interested in the events at all. </p><p>“Good God, murder? Here?” a lady with blonde hair, who definitely wasn’t the murderer, said in a stunned voice. </p><p>“Indeed. I will be interviewing you all,” the pigeon-faced man said. </p><p>With that, Dumbo and the Pope went about eating their grilled cheese. They didn’t say much -- there wasn’t much to say. They didn’t know the brutally murdered man, whose name was apparently Ratchett, or maybe Cassetti. Dumbo worried he would be a suspect just because of his fame as a flying elephant. The Pope was also worried. What if the detective thought that he, the Pope, had asked God to kill the man? That was a method of murder that left no trace. And he did have a direct line to God, after all. They were both stewing in anxiety when they returned to their own passenger car.</p><p>“Dumbo, we need to be careful,” the Pope said, taking out his notebook. He was taking notes of all the banalities surrounding them. </p><p>“Yeah, this could be one of Chuck Norris’ or Sissy Spacek's tricks,” the elephant commented. </p><p>“Most likely it is,” agreed the Pope, and wrote down what Dumbo had said.</p><p>They both pulled out books and began to read. The Pope was reading Siddhartha, and Dumbo was reading the novelization of Snakes on a Plane. They were both enjoying their novels when the man with a pigeon for a mustache knocked on their compartment door. </p><p>“Hello,” he said, through greying feathers. </p><p>Dumbo and the Pope introduced themselves. </p><p>“So what are you doing on this train?” asked the mysterious man.</p><p>“Going to Sissy Spacek's house,” Dumbo replied with ease. </p><p>“Oh, that checks out,” said the detective. And with that, he left. Dumbo and the Pope both went back to their books. </p><p>Much later in the night, all the passengers were called into the dining car. The man with the pigeon for a mustache had an announcement to make. Dumbo and the Pope assumed he would announce who the killer was. But there was a lot of buildup, so Dumbo and the Pope weren’t really listening. Anyway, they knew they hadn’t killed anyone, and they were caught up in their own Sissy Spacek thing. Finally, the pigeon-faced man revealed that he had caught the killer. </p><p>Or at least that was what Dumbo and the Pope thought, until a while later they were dragged off the train with all the train passengers. Dumbo was surprised anyone could drag him, since he was an elephant. Apparently, they were in Yugoslavia and their cops wanted the truth of the murders at that very moment. They were in front of a cave. The pigeon-stached detective was telling everyone what didn’t match up about the murder. </p><p>“The first solution is that a stranger entered the train when it stopped at Vinkovci, killed Ratchett, and disembarked from the train. The second solution is that all the passengers aboard the Orient Express participated in stabbing Cassetti/Ratchet to death. I suggests that 12 of the 15 passengers, all close to the Armstrong case, killed Ratchett to avenge the murder of Daisy Armstrong,” the detective asserted. The Pope wrote down the murder victim’s name in his notebook. </p><p>Then, Mrs. Hubbard said with Gravity (the DVD she was holding), “The second solution is correct.”</p><p>“Holy shit!” Dumbo said. He had been playing Bloons Monkey Tower Defense 6 on his phone during all this. He had better things to think about. Really, this entire “murder on the train” thing was just slowing down his catching of Sissy Spacek. </p><p>“You guys are all murderers?” Dumbo asked</p><p>“Yeah, all of us on the train except you two and the detective,” Mrs. Hubbard said.</p><p>“Jesus, and you guys didn’t even offer to let us stab the guy as well?” the Pope said. The Pope believed that everyone should be given a chance in the world. He cared a lot about sharing. So he was pretty livid when he realized he’d been left out. </p><p>“Hey, c’mon, this was personal to us, you didn’t even know the guy!” said the woman.</p><p>Dumbo scoffed. “Yeah sure, easy for you to say. That guy spat at me when I passed him to go to the bathroom!”</p><p>“Did he spit at you, or did he just drop his water bottle when a literal elephant walked up to him?” the detective said, as if he was solving the crime of Dumbo’s accountability.</p><p>“He fucking spat at me, man! That guy was an elephant hater. Honestly, you guys should have let us stab him!” Dumbo was yelling by this point. If everyone else got to spit on that murdered man, then he should have gotten to spit on him as well. </p><p>“Come on, Dumbo. We don’t need this,” the pope said, and grabbed his hoof. Together, they walked away. The Pope’s hand was shaking from lack of vaping. </p><p>Then the Pope and Dumbo went back onto the train, started the engine, and drove away without the rest of the cast of Murder on the Orient Express. Dumbo hated being a background actor in movies that didn’t have any elephants in leading roles. He took one last glance out the window at the group of murderers (and one detective). He noticed that the tax collector had set up a large anvil. It was going to fall right where Dumbo and the Pope had been standing before the big murder reveal. </p><p>Dumbo made eye contact with the collector and put his middle finger up. The tax collector was scandalized. He pulled out his tax collecting manual, but there was no section about what to do if someone gave him the bird while on the job. So he called his supervisor, who told him to just act as if he hadn’t seen it. The tax collector did nothing. </p><p>As they drove away, some of the passengers were staring, wide-eyed. Dumbo and the Pope had just stolen a train. At that point, it was the biggest train robbery seen in history. Sure, people had stolen jewelry from trains, but no one had stolen an entire train. </p><p>Dumbo and the Pope, for their part, were frustrated that they had gotten caught up in this train murder thing. They were also frustrated that they didn't get to meet Dame Judi Dench. But that also meant they had avoided Johnny Depp, so they hadn’t missed much. </p><p>When they finally rolled into the subway station, they saw a bunch of cops. They were looking for the stolen train. Dumbo and Pope Francis jumped out of the train as it rolled up to the subway station and ran off before the cops could see them. And what do you know, the subway station was right in front of Sissy Spacek’s house.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Nine: Sissy Spacek's Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Nine: Sissy Spacek's Home</p><p>Dumbo and the Pope rang Sissy Spacek’s doorbell. It played the James Bond theme, and then it started playing SpongeBob background music. Dumbo was conflicted. He loved that playlist and had it saved on Spotify under the title “For When You Feel Sad.” But he hated that Sissy Spacek also seemed to love it. </p><p>They stood in front of the door for hours, just listening to  SpongeBob background music. No one opened the door. It was getting hot, especially because the house didn’t have a covered patio. Dumbo thought the uncovered patio looked good, but the Pope said it made the house look cheap. Time passed and passed. Eventually, the playlist ended. </p><p>“We should see if her car is here,” Dumbo said. Dumbo and the Pope walked over to the ten-car garage (Sissy Spacek was very rich). There were windows, but neither the Pope nor Dumbo was tall enough to see through them.</p><p>“We need to see in there,” the Pope told Dumbo. “Here, I’ll lift you up.”</p><p>Dumbo’s jaw dropped. </p><p>“C’mon Dumbo, you can do this,” the Pope reassured Dumbo. </p><p>“Okay,” he agreed. The Pope grabbed Dumbo’s waist and lifted him up. Dumbo felt sure he could hear the Pope’s back give out. </p><p>“ALL TEN CARS ARE THERE!” Dumbo yelled down to the Pope. Francis was sweating a lot, but he kept mumbling something about CrossFit under his breath. Dumbo knew the Pope had only tried CrossFit a few times due to the prohibitive cost of the CrossFit gym in the Vatican. It was called CrossRoads. The Pope grunted a bit more, and then --</p><p>THUD. </p><p>The Pope dropped Dumbo. </p><p>“We need to find a way in,” the Pope said between heavy breaths. </p><p>Dumbo tried to jiggle the handle of the front door. It opened immediately. There was a welcome mat that greeted them. “Oh...it wasn’t locked,” he realized. </p><p>The Pope and Dumbo looked at one another. </p><p>“We can do this, we just need to talk to her,” Dumbo reassured himself and the Pope. </p><p>“We have God on our side,” the Pope reassured Dumbo, resting a hand on his shoulder. </p><p>“And Walt Disney,” Dumbo piped up. </p><p>“Whoa, I don’t know if I want him on our side,” said the Pope.</p><p>“Okay then, no Walt Disney. You know, I animated that entire Dumbo movie myself! He just took credit for it,” Dumbo grumbled.</p><p>The Pope gave Dumbo’s trunk a high-five. “Heck yeah, Dumbo! Take ownership over your art.”</p><p>And with that, they took a step into the house. The welcome mat suddenly disappeared, and so did the rest of the floor. Anne Robinson stood in a black dress, illuminated by a white ring of light under her. She said, “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.” </p><p>Dumbo and the Pope were suddenly surrounded by darkness. He had always wanted to be on the Weakest Link, but not like this. Dumbo’s nipples got hard. He quickly tried to hide them with his ears. But then he remembered that he was surrounded by darkness, so the Pope wouldn't be able to see his hard nipples. So he didn't know, he didn’t like the air on his nipples, because that made him ticklish, but he also didn’t like to force his large ears down just to cover them up. </p><p>Dumbo fell into the hard ground. They had only dropped about seven feet. Neither of them were hurt. Dumbo’s nipples quickly became un-hard. When Dumbo and the Pope looked up, they realized they were surrounded by dusty tan bricks. It felt like they were in ancient Egypt, but somehow with more card games. </p><p>They began to walk the only way they could: forward. Soon there was a fork in the path. They went left. Then there was a left turn, another left turn, and then another fork. They went right. They were tired of going right. Suddenly, from above, they heard a strange, queer cackling. </p><p>“Brother, do you think they’ll ever get out?” echoed one voice.</p><p>“I think not, brother, but perhaps if they grow a great big beansprout,” came another voice. </p><p>Dumbo and the Pope looked at each other. They hated rhyming, unless it was in rap music. They kept walking through the maze until Dumbo finally got frustrated. </p><p>“I’m just going to fly us out of this. Is that okay?” Dumbo asked.</p><p>“Are you sure, Dumbo? I know how you like challenges,” replied the Pope, raising a white eyebrow.</p><p>“Yeah, but we need to do our taxes. Sometimes you have to prioritize,” he replied. With that, the Pope and Dumbo flew out of the labyrinth. At the end of the maze, there was a large stadium and four elevated areas. It seemed like images could be  projected onto the stadium, based on the elevated areas. Beyond the stadium, it was pitch black. </p><p>“Ha ha ha, so you got out of our maze with success,” came a voice from the darkness again. </p><p>“If you want to get out, beat us at a card game, and we’ll acquiesce,” called the other, similar voice from the darkness.</p><p>“Should I just fly over this as well?” Dumbo asked the Pope. </p><p>“No!” one of the voices yelled. </p><p>“Why should we stay here?” Dumbo yelled out. </p><p>“To get more star chips,” the voice responded. </p><p>“Damn,I am hungry,” Dumbo said. “Alright then, PARADOX BROTHERS.” </p><p>The two voices gasped. Dumbo knew who they were. </p><p>“WE WILL DUEL YOU,” they boomed. </p><p>The Pope and Dumbo pulled out their Yu-Gi-Oh decks, threw on their gloves (which had spots for star chips), and walked up to the stage. They both took their places on an elevated playing area. </p><p>They drew their cards. Dumbo went first. He drew “One Day of Peace,” which allowed him to draw another card. Then he played “Upstart Goblin.” This let him draw another card, but gave his opponent 1000 life points. Next, Dumbo played “Trade-In,” which let him discard a level 8 monster card and draw two cards. He discarded his Toon-Blue Eyes White Dragon and drew two more cards. One of them was “Toon Table of Contents.” He played this and used it to take another “Toon Table of Contents” from his deck. He repeated that action, drawing the last “Toon Table of Contents” to his hand. Then he played “Graceful Charity” and discarded the last “Toon Table of Contents” and “Dark World Dealings.” Then he played another “Upstart Goblin.” Now he had two pieces of Exodia in his hand. He played “Magic Mallet” and discarded three cards, including the two pieces of Exodia. Then he played “Hieratic Seal of Convention” and put a “Hieratic Seal of the Sun Dragon Overlord” into his hand. Then he played “Trade-In” using the “Hieratic Seal of the Sun Dragon Overlord” card he had just drawn. Hell yeah, he thought, as he drew two “Pot of Greed” cards. </p><p>He glanced up. The Paradox Brothers were horrified. They couldn't do anything. They hadn’t even been able to play a trap card. Dumbo was unfazed. This was just how Yu-Gi-Oh could be.</p><p>He continued his turn. He played his two “Pot of Greed” cards and drew four cards altogether. Again, he had two pieces of Exodia in his hand. He discarded a “Thunder Dragon” card and drew from his deck two more “Thunder Dragons.” Then he played “Dark World Dealings” and discarded “Swift Scarecrow,” and drew “Reload,” which he played. He shuffled his hand into his deck and drew five cards. Then he discarded the “Thunder Dragon” he drew, which allowed him to draw another from his deck. Then he played “Trade-In” and discarded the “Hieratic Seal of the Sun Dragon Overlord” he had in his hand. He drew “Hieratic Seal of Convention” and played it, adding a “Hieratic Seal of the Sun Dragon overlord” into his hand. Then he played “Pot of Duality” and took a “Graceful Charity” card into his hand. </p><p>“Are you fucking kidding me?!” one of the Paradox Brothers yelled out. He was frustrated because he had put different perfumes on all his cards so that he would know exactly which card he was about to draw. He didn’t even have a chance to employ this trick. </p><p>“Dumbo is George Washington, and we’re a cherry tree...ton,” the other Paradox Brother said. Dumbo didn't let their rhymes get in the way of his concentration. </p><p>Dumbo played the “Graceful Charity” card, and then played a “Pot of Greed” that he just drew. He drew two pieces of Exodia. He had five cards left in his hand. He played “Magical Stone Excavation” and took a “Pot of Greed” which he played, and he drew another piece of Exodia, and “Graceful Charity” card which he used and drew three cards. He discarded the two non-Exodia cards in his hand, and won via the effects of Exodia. </p><p>“How do you like them apples?” Dumbo asked. He had recently seen Good Will Hunting in theaters, and was waiting for just the right moment to pull out that line. He felt just like Matt Damon in that moment, but you know, like, hotter than Matt Damon. </p><p>“We fucking hated them,” the first Paradox Brother said, and then spat at the ground. </p><p>“The fact that I didn’t have a turn makes me glum,” The uglier Paradox Brother said. </p><p>“Man, you guys said you would acquiesce… um all this rhyming is making me want to not contribute to the national income,” Dumbo responded. </p><p>“We didn't know what that word meant,” the paradox brother admitted. </p><p>“We were just planning on giving you torment,” the uglier Paradox Brother said. </p><p>Having beaten their foes, Dumbo and the Pope walked past two the Yu-Gi-Oh players. They climbed a set of stairs behind the stadium, which took them up to the ground floor of Sissy Spacek’s mansion. She was sitting in her kitchen, wearing a soft brown sweater, drinking tan coffee, and reading an old New Yorker. </p><p>“How did you get past my guards?” Sissy Spacek asked them, looking up from the magazine, and slipping on her fuzzy-wuzzy slippers.</p><p>“We beat them in a game of Yu-Gi-Oh!”  Dumbo said triumphantly. </p><p>“Fuck,” Sissy Spacek said. “I forgot you were a main character in the elephant-based Yu-Gi-Oh anime spinoff series, Yu-Gi-Oh: EX Elephant Extremists. That one had elephants on motorcycles, playing card games, while attempting to escape a zoo. It was basically like Madagascar, but with Yu-Gi-Oh and none of the penguins.”</p><p>“Hey, man, we don’t need an advertisement for Yu-Gi-Oh: EX right now. We need answers!” Pope Francis yelled at Sissy Spacek. </p><p>Sissy Spacek peered down at them from a very stone tower built into her kitchen. She jumped down from the tower and cackled like Helen Obama Carter. “Dumbo, Dumbo, Dumbo,” she said in her slow Texas drawl. </p><p>“Sissy,” Dumbo said in his fast elephant accent, “where are my human friends?”</p><p>“Your human friends?! They’re right here!” she cackled. Then, a platform rose from the floor. The two humans were on it, surrounded by three dogs each. The dogs were just Dachshund puppies, though, so they wouldn't be able to hurt the humans. But Dumbo understood why his human friends were still imprisoned. </p><p>“Sissy, we gotta talk,” Dumbo said, with lips pursed and nostrils flared. He wasn’t taking any more of Sissy Spacek’s shit. </p><p>“Understatement of the decade, Dumbo,” Sissy said slyly. </p><p>“How did you guys stay unharmed with all the dogs watching you?” Pope Francis asked.</p><p>“I distracted them by teaching them how to play ball and cup!” Billy said. Then, he produced his ball and cup from his pocket, did a few successful ball catches, and passed it to the first Daschund puppy. The puppy took the ball in his mouth, jumped in the air, and did a flip landing to get the ball in the cup. All the puppies' tails were wagging. The first puppy passed it to the next puppy, who took the ball by the paws, ran around the circle, and caught the ball in the cup. </p><p>And then Sissy Spacek began her evil monologue.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter Ten: And they were roommates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Ten: And they were roommates</p><p>Sissy Spacek began to laugh. She laughed as if she was the author of this fanfic when they won a game of monopoly. That is to say, she laughed like a madman, but also kind of sexy in a lesbian way, even though Sissy Spacek is straight both in real life and in this fanfic.  Dumbo had had enough of this nonsense and put his trunk on his forehead. This ordeal was going to be very stressful for him. </p><p>“I don’t have anything against your friends, Dumbo! I did this to get your attention! You owe me my half of the security deposit,” Sissy Spacek said in wild jest. </p><p>“What is she talking about?” Pope Francis implored. “Security deposit? This isn’t about an apartment! Dumbo is a homeowner!”</p><p>“Well I mean, technically the bank owns the home because I’m still paying my mortgage off,” Dumbo said quickly. His face was flushed. </p><p>“What am I talking about?!” Sissy Spacek roared. “I was talking about when Dumbo and I lived… and laughed…”</p><p>“And loved together.” Dumbo completed her sentence resolutely. Everyone looked awestruck. “It was 20 years ago. We were just middle aged adults back then, still trying to figure everything out… then we found each other…”</p><p>~`*flashback*~</p><p>I was born to Mama Jumbo in a circus much like any other circus, just with more animation. There was also a superfund site close to the circus.My mom would go and play in it when she was pregnant with me. Well, that’s what the Bearded Mule would always tell me. He did a lot of talking because he was the least visited animal in Dumbo's circus. I mean, who hasn’t seen a mule with a big ol’ Gandalf beard? (Probably Jackie Gleason.) </p><p>“DUMBO!” </p><p>Dumbo was shaken from his intense flashback. He was glad he had paid a company to be able to light a flashback scene on demand. It was an expensive service because they had to get special sunglasses for everyone around. These sunglasses made everything black and white, and added a grainy texture. They also played a short tune at the beginning and end of the flashback. Dumbo felt that the service was necessary for times like this. </p><p>“What’s that, Pope Francis?” Dumbo answered the Pope. </p><p>“We’ve all seen your movie,” the Pope sighed. “Right now, we just need to know about your relationship with Sissy Spacek.”</p><p>“Oh, right.Well, let’s jump forward in this flashback then,” said Dumbo.</p><p>Dumbo was walking through the Bed section of the Bed Bath and Beyond when he saw Sissy Spacek walking out of the Beyond section of the store. Dumbo was awestruck. He had never seen a more beautiful woman than this stranger. </p><p>Dumbo had his hands full of candles from the Bed section, and when he made brief, meaningless eye contact with Sissy Spacek, he dropped all of them. He was so embarrassed. But he was glad none of them were lit, because then the Bed, Bath, and Beyond would be on fire, and then people would die (probably not from the fire, but from the intense smell). Dumbo began to pick up the bits of broken candle. Sissy Spacek came over, crouched down next to him, and began helping him. </p><p>“You’re the elephant that can fly? Y’all elephants are so cool-like!” Her light Southern or Texas or Boston accent came through. Dumbo was surprised. They lived in the hills of Los Angeles, not Louisville, Kentucky or Des Moines, Idaho. </p><p>“I mean, yeah, that’s what they say about me.” Dumbo got this a lot. He hated to be known as the elephant that could fly. Dumbo played the stock market and made just as much money as Warren Buffet, probably. Dumbo had been a manager of a Burger King for 16 years -- no one ever asked about that! Dumbo could fucking juggle. He had a whole life outside of being cool and flying.</p><p>“You say that as if it’s not the most interesting thing about you,” Sissy Spacek remarked. Dumbo wondered if not getting taken to the prom was the most interesting thing that had happened to her. He thought this in a very mean way until he looked up and saw Sissy Spacek’s grey-blue eyes. There were small flecks of gold in her eyes. Dumbo could just get lost in them. They were absolutely piercing. Dumbo liked how when Sissy Spacek smiled, he was able to see all of her teeth.  </p><p>“Maybe it’s not...maybe if we had dinner together, you could find out some of the more interesting things about me,” Dumbo said, rising above his juggling-related insecurities. Dumbo could juggle, but he wasn’t the best at juggling. He had never even juggled something that was on fire before. </p><p>“Fuck yeah, Dumbo,” Sissy Spacek replied. And that’s how they found themselves at an Applebees on a Tuesday afternoon, telling each other their life stories. Dumbo talked about how he learned to fly, and Sissy Spacek told Dumbo about what it was like to play Carrie in the movie Carrie. </p><p>“I’ve never been to Applebees before,” Dumbo said after he ate his food. </p><p>“Neither have I,” Sissy Spacek said. </p><p>“It was kind of…”</p><p>“God-awful?” suggested Sissy. They both laughed. They vowed never to go to another Applebees ever again. It was an easy decision. Sissy Spacek was so charming and easy to laugh with, and Dumbo usually hated laughing. </p><p>“Have you ever seen Badlands?” Sissy Spacek asked Dumbo.</p><p>“No,” Dumbo replied. He secretly wished he had seen more than just Mike Leigh movies and his own animated feature. </p><p>“I have to go to the premier tonight. I was in it,” Sissy Spacek mentioned offhandedly.</p><p>Dumbo blinked. “Wow.” </p><p>“Do you want to go with me?” Sissy asked.</p><p>Dumbo could have had a heart attack. This was not due to excitement or anything, just the idea of being with a lady. It made him think about his health and what he was putting in his body.If he continued to disrespect his body, he might not make it to date night. </p><p>“Yes,” he replied, still thinking about his health.</p><p>“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go!” said Sissy Spacek, and off they went to prepare for the premiere.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter Eleven: Inevitable Elephant Sex Scene</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Eleven: Inevitable Elephant Sex Scene</p><p>The pair went to Sears to buy a dress for Sissy Spacek and a suit for Dumbo. Sissy looked absolutely gorgeous, and Dumbo looked like an elephant in a tuxedo. They were going to be the couple of the night at the Badlands premier. </p><p>They ordered a limousine from the Uber app. They drank a bunch of expensive non-alcoholic sparkling water on their way to the premier. Dumbo and Sissy Spacek didn't drink. They also didn't do drugs. They were both fiercely dedicated to their careers and didn’t want any distractions. </p><p>When they got to the red carpet, Sissy Spacek led Dumbo out of the limousine, holding his trunk in her hand. Dumbo felt so cared for in that moment. Sissy had only met him earlier that day, but she took him to an Applebees and stole his heart. At that time in her life, Sissy Spacek was straight edge. That meant she wore black t-shirts everywhere, including to the set of “The Help,” and listened to a lot of Rush Limbaugh. He wasn’t straight edge or anything though, her parents were just Republicans. Sissy Spacek just had that old-school kind of cool you didn’t find anymore in 2020. </p><p>At the premiere, they watched Badlands. In addition to thinking that Sissy Spacek’s acting was amazing, Dumbo was also taken with the cinematography. The color palette of the movie was soft and full of lush green. There was a true love of nature that went into this distinctive movie about young kids murdering folks. </p><p>They exited the movie theatre. Sissy Spacek introduced Dumbo to Terrence Malick and Martin Sheen. They were as impressed to meet Dumbo as he was impressed to meet them. Terrence was really down-to-earth and easy to talk to, and Martin Sheen had smiles and charm. Dumbo really felt like he fit into Sissy Spacek’s world, but before he knew it, it was time to leave. He called himself an Uber, and Sissy Spacek called her own Uber. They exchanged numbers and left. </p><p>That night, Dumbo could barely sleep in his 24-room mansion. He was buzzing with energy. He wanted to see all of Terrence Malick’s movies, and the next day, he did. He went straight to the blockbuster. There, he bought The Thin Red Line, Tree of Life, Days of Heaven, A Hidden Life, and Song to Song. Then he went home and watched them all that afternoon. Afterward, he was tired but artistically inspired. He wanted to do something big. Right then and there was the moment he decided to film Dumbo, the animated movie. It took him all of the rest of the weekend, but it was a masterpiece. He was able to tell his story of being an elephant that could fly. He did not have the scope of cinematography that Terrence Malick did, but there was a charm in his animated flapping of ears. He was proud of himself. </p><p>He called Sissy Spacek up that night. “Sissy, I made a movie,” he told her.</p><p>“What? Wow, Dumbo!”</p><p>“Yeah! I want you to come and watch it,” he said eagerly.</p><p>“Okay, what’s your address?”</p><p>Dumbo told Sissy Spacek his address.</p><p>“Wow, that’s very close to my address. I’ll be there in a few hours, Dumbo,” she said. </p><p>Dumbo understood that Sissy was a girl and it would take her a few hours to put on her clothes. He knew that for him, it took about 15 minutes to put on each sock. So Dumbo could only guess how long it would take her to put on both her socks, plus her bra and underwear. </p><p>It took a few hours, but by the time Sissy Spacek came over, Dumbo was truly emotionally prepared to show her his masterpiece. He put in the DVD, lit a few candles, and popped a huge bag of popcorn. She was wearing a lovely red dress, and huge sunglasses, which she took off once she sat down to watch the movie. </p><p> </p><p>They sat and  watched the movie together. Dumbo had seen it hundreds of times, as he was also the one who had edited it. He did all the voice work and all the animation, too. He even named it after himself. It was his live work that came into one. </p><p>“Dumbo, wow! I did not know you could animate! How long did this take you?” Sissy asked.</p><p>“The entire weekend,” he replied.</p><p>Sissy Spacek’s mouth made an O, and then H (but not the shape, the sound of the mouth). Then Dumbo realized she was just saying “oh.” </p><p>“That’s incredible, Dumbo! You’re a God-given talent.”</p><p>“Sissy, my talent was given to me by myself. I don’t believe in God.”</p><p>“But this is Hollywood, Dumbo! How are you going to make it in Hollywood as an atheist?!”</p><p>“By being fucking talented,” he bragged.</p><p>And then they had sex. </p><p>---------</p><p>They were cuddling on Dumbo’s water bed afterward, talking about how neither of them believed in God, but not in a pretentious mean way, just in a way that made them feel closer to one another. Sissy Spacek had hated going to church as a kid, and Dumbo’s elephant parents didn’t have church as a cultural institution. </p><p>Things went on like this for years--</p><p>“Dumbo!” the Pope yelled at Dumbo, releasing him from his flashback.</p><p>“What’s that, Pope?” Dumbo asked.</p><p>“You ain’t going to tell us about the sex?”</p><p>Dumbo looked down coyly. “Well, I don’t kiss and tell,” he said.</p><p>The Pope rolled his eyes. “Come the fuck on, Dumbo.” </p><p>“Okay, fine, fine!” he finally gave in.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter Twelve: Dumbo and Sissy Spacek Sex Scenes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Twelve: Dumbo and Sissy Spacek Sex Scenes</p><p>Dumbo was a little bit flustered. Sure, many people had asekd him about what it was like to have sex with one of the best actresses ever, but the Pope?! Come on. Dumbo knew it was hot, but he wanted it to sound like a sex scene from Patricia Highsmith’s Fingersmith, except instead of lesbians the characters were Sissy Spacek and a flying elephant. </p><p>“So like, I was kissing her,” Dumbo said, raising his eyebrows to indicate how hot it was. He gave a confident smile that faltered a bit, betraying his nervous energy at the retelling of how he lost his virginity.</p><p>“Yes go on Dumbo,” the Pope urged him. The Pope’s trousers had created a small tent in his groin area. </p><p>“And she was, like, kissing me...” Dumbo tried to make this sound sexy, but nothing could have ever been as sexy as the actual warm pulse of Sissy Spacek’s lips, so he didn’t even try. “With both upper and lower lip,” he continued.</p><p>“Good, good, that’s how it should go.” The Pope was really egging the elephant on, and he seemed into it, so Dumbo was gaining some confidence with his story.</p><p>“Yeah, and like, she used my ears...to hold her by the neck.”</p><p>“Wow, Dumbo, that sounds sweet,” the Pope said. He was watching Dumbo with the intensity of a person watching the movie Spartacus, during the scene where everyone is like, “No, I’m Spartacus!” </p><p>“Yeah, it was pretty nice,” Sissy Spacek chimed in. Dumbo tried to hide his cocky little grin, but mostly failed. He could feel it spreading over his face. </p><p>The Pope’s hands were fidgeting in his pockets. Dumbo knew that he was just itching to vape, and the only way to stop the Pope from whipping out a big ass cloud of vape was to heighten his sex life with the prose of a literary classic.</p><p>“I wanted to envelop her with one lick of my tongue. Every time my trunk touched her, there was a bath of lightning across my skin.”</p><p>“Wow,” remarked Sissy.</p><p>“And my dick was hard.”</p><p>“Wow,” the Pope said, rapt with attention. He was not interested in vaping at that moment. </p><p>“And then we needed some financial help, so we called Dave Ramsey.” </p><p>“WHAT?!” yelled the Pope.</p><p>“Yeah, we called Dave Ramsey. I was in some credit card debt at the time, and we figured the hottest thing to do in that moment was to be debt free.”</p><p>“Okay,” the Pope said. His mouth was agog, and he looked like he was waiting for a very overdue bus. But the only bus that was to come was not a bus, but a snowball.</p><p>“So we got started paying off my debt. We worked on the smallest loans first. This is called the Snowball Method, and Dave Ramsey turned us onto it. I was really feeling happy because it felt like every few months we were finished with one debt or another. That was really motivating, but there was so much debt. One day, after Sissy and I went to see Inception in theatres, we were both discussing how we found it to be rather--”</p><p>“Childish and nonsensical?” the Pope suggested.</p><p>“Yes, exactly, I think those were our exact words. It was just like a puzzle box you give a screaming ten-year-old when you’re desperate for ten minutes of quiet,” said Dumbo.</p><p>Sissy Spacek laughed lightly and tucked a wisp of hair behind her ears. “Then we promised each other that we’d never have children.”</p><p>“And then you asked if we could get an apartment together,” Dumbo said.</p><p>Sissy Spacek would no longer meet Dumbo’s eyes. Her voice cracked, and the light hit her in such a way that you could only see the left side of her face. “Mmm, it went downhill.”</p><p>Dumbo chimed in. “We lived down a hill. And almost every day there was a mudslide. This didn’t bother me much, because I can fly, but -- and this might surprise you -- Sissy can’t.”</p><p>“So every day I would trek up a mile of mud, just to get to the set of Badlands,” Sissy sighed.</p><p>“It was very sad,” Dumbo commented. </p><p>“And the money from the circus wasn’t coming in. I was getting unemployment. But even then, I had become obsessed with David Ramsey. I had all of his books, and I even read one. Every penny I got, I put down to paying my debts. I didn’t buy anything for a year. I foraged food from the Whole Foods dumpsters and watched movies by getting them from the library. It was difficult, but I did it. I wasn’t anywhere close to paying off my debts, though.”</p><p>“You were stressed,” the Pope realized.</p><p>Dumbo hung his head. “All I thought about was the debt snowball. I watched those library DVDs, but all I was thinking about was interest rates and credit scores… and then one day, a friend from the circus said I could live in his basement for 50 dollars a month. I…” Dumbo took in a sharp breath. “I took him up on it. I didn’t even finish paying the rent for the lease with Sissy.”</p><p>He exhaled in a deep sigh. </p><p>“I didn’t have the money for the last month’s rent, so I had to sell my dead mother’s treasured Ball and Cup to make it. It was the only thing I had left from her.”</p><p>Dumbo looked at Sissy. “I haven’t seen her since. This was two years ago.”</p><p>With that, the men from the company Dumbo paid to do his flashbacks got up. They took the sunglasses from his face, threw a smoke bomb, and disappeared. </p><p>“Wow, Dumbo, thanks for that experience,” Pope Francis said. Dumbo figured that the Pope had never experienced a good flashback before. That one was top quality.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter Thirteen: Enter the Gunbo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Thirteen: Enter the Gunbo</p><p>“Dumbo, why didn’t you tell us about the love of your life, Sissy Spacek?” Zilly asked Dumbo. There were tears in her eyes. Zillie had always wanted a mother figure with a Texas accent in her life. She could never bring herself to tell Dumbo that, though. She suddenly felt so far away from the elephant. She didn’t even know Dumbo was capable of having sexual thoughts. “You loved her,” </p><p>“I was so ashamed. I mean, I didn’t pay back that two hundred dollars. And…. and I…” Dumbo began to cry. As per usual when he cried, he attempted to use his big dumb ears as a kind of cloth to soak up the liquid, but failed because ears are not as absorbent as Brawny paper towels. “I broke Sissy Spacek’s heart. I was so ashamed.” </p><p>The kids looked down. Dumbo was like their father figure or something. Dumbo at least gave them an allowance (it was in Roth IRAs) and brought them clothes instead of cool stuff for Christmas.  They were embarrassed for Dumbo, but Dumbo's show of vulnerability wasn’t met with hostility, but rather affection. </p><p>“Dumbo, it's okay. We all make mistakes.” Milly tried to comfort Dumbo, but he was hiding behind his big large ears, trying to make it so that no one could see him. </p><p>“No we don't,” said the Pope. The two kids and the one elephant ignored him. </p><p>“Dumbo, if you just talk to Sissy Spacek, I’m sure she’ll understand. I mean, you guys are like soul mates or something right?” asked Joe.</p><p>Pope Francis stopped vaping and began crying. “Dumbo, I get it. It’s hard, but I know that God would have wanted you and Sissy Spacek to work it out. I know God wants that. Like God really wants it.” </p><p>Dumbo felt slightly threatened by God and the Pope in that moment, but he did want Sissy Spacek. </p><p>“Sissy! I know we have had ups and downs, but you don't have to kidnap my human friends. We can talk!” Dumbo’s voice was shrill, like he assumed Lindy West’s voice was at all times. </p><p>“Okay,” Sissy Spacek yelled, over what sounded like…chop chop chop (the sound of chopping air). </p><p>What could it be… Dumbo thought he may have heard that noise before -- maybe on his favorite soap opera, Grey's Anatomy. </p><p>Chop Chop Chop. </p><p>Dumbo suddenly realized that it was the sound of blades chopping air. It was... helicopter noses. </p><p>Just then, in the blink of an eye, Chuck Norris came up in a helicopter. He threw a rope around Sissy Spacek, kidnapping her. The Helicopter did three loops and then spelled out “HA HA, SUCKERS!” </p><p>Dumbo yelled “NO!” And then, with a great gust of wind, he began flapping his ears. His large elephant body lifted off the ground. </p><p>Everyone was surprised. With some effort, they remembered that Dumbo’s one quality, throughout all media he had been in, was that he was a flying elephant. </p><p>Milly tossed Dumbo a pair of goggles, and with that began the greatest elephant-helicopter chase scene ever.</p><p>The helicopter flew past a mountain at great speed. Dumbo’s left ear clipped the mountain, but he kept flying. Dumbo flapped and flapped, but he couldn’t catch up with the helicopter. Joe threw him a ball and cup game, which Dumbo threw into the propeller of the helicopter. That slowed it down for just a second. </p><p>Dumbo could see Sissy Spacek in the passenger seat, tied up like she was a lady in a cartoon about to get run over by a train. She was crying and trying to get loose from the rope. Chuck Norris was laughing hysterically. Dumbo didn’t know what to do, but he knew now more than ever that this was not the time to think about his coworker’s tear-a-day calendar featuring vintage photos of Chuck Norris’ strength. I mean, this man went up against Bruce Lee and lost. Dumbo wasn’t even alive when Bruce Lee was alive. </p><p>Dumbo put himself in the sixth gear, felt his transmission move, and flew faster to catch up with the helicopter. He made vrooming noises to convince himself that he was going fast. The helicopter made normal helicopter noises, because it was going fast. Dumbo flapped and flapped. He wanted to look down because there was a beautiful view of the river below. But he knew that if looked down, it would be a distraction from saving Sissy Spacek and redeeming himself. </p><p>Just then, Ex-Pope Benedict drove over Dumbo and Helicopter and dropped an AR-47 down to Dumbo. Dumbo grabbed the rifle and began shooting at Chuck Norris. Dumbo missed. He shot a second time and hit Chuck Norris once, but the man didn’t even flinch because he was Chuck Norris. The gun was out of ammo, so Dumbo threw it down into the lake below. The gunshots must have distracted Chuck Norris, though, because the helicopter was heading straight for a tree. It veered up, but Dumbo was able to cut it off. Dumbo got his trunk around the bottom of the helicopter and was slowing it down. Then Chuck Norris got out a bottle of Krazy Glue and glued Dumbo to the Helicopter.</p><p>“Damn it, now even if I do get out of this, I’ll have a helicopter attached to me!” Dumbo exclaimed. He couldn't imagine how things could get worse. He didn’t want to be a helicopter -- he wanted to be Dumbo, the flying elephant, who flew with his ears, not his propellers. </p><p>Just then, Pope Francis flew up in his own helicopter, grabbed Sissy Spacek, punched Chuck Norris in the throat, and landed back on the ground. Sissy Spacek was free! But she did have a little bit of dirt on her from landing on the ground. She dusted it off while saying some choice words about Chuck Norris. </p><p>Dumbo, on the other hand, was still attached to the helicopter. His trunk was firmly Krazy Glued, and he and the helicopter were hurling toward a mountain. The helicopter hit the mountain. Then, the helicopter exploded, revealing that the mountain was actually an active volcano. </p><p>“DUMBO, NO!” Sissy Spacek yelled. “I just got you back, Dumbo!”</p><p>“Don’t worry,” Pope Francis said, and put a hand on Sissy Spacek. “Dear God, --” </p><p>The rest of his prayer was in Latin, so neither Sissy Spacek nor anyone around them could understand it, but Sissy Spacek believed that he was asking God to go back in time and un- invented the helicopter. </p><p>Sissy Spacek listened to the Pope pray for about ten minutes, until she realized she still knew about the existence of helicopters. The Pope’s plan hadn’t worked. Dumbo had been hurled into a disguised active volcano. Sissy Spacek threw herself to the ground and began pounding on the dirt, yelling out Dumbo’s name. </p><p>“DUMBO, DUMBO, DUMBO!”</p><p>“WHAT DO YOU WANT, THOT?!” Dumbo roared as he emerged from the volcano. His trunk was no longer attached to the helicopter, or to his body. But he could still talk. </p><p>He flew down to Sissy Spacek and Pope Francis. “I’m okay, I’ll be okay.” </p><p>Sissy Spacek took Dumbo into her arms. They embraced for a few minutes, and then flew off together with Sissy on Dumbo’s back. They went to Sissy Spacek’s house and made love for a few hours, and then had a long conversation about communication. They decided to make an appointment for couples counseling, and resolved to never leave each other again. </p><p>The next day when Dumbo woke up, he was in Sissy Spacek’s arms. She whispered in his great large ears, “Dumbo, today’s the day...to do our taxes.” </p><p>They got up, went to a bagel place, and got bagels for themselves and their two human friends. They had another long talk about how they could communicate in a manner that didn’t involve kidnapping. They had a few ideas that they wrote down in a composition notebook. After writing down the ideas, they doodled on the notebook. It looked very cool, like something Enid would draw in Ghost World. </p><p>They got home around 3, and when they arrived, Ex-Pope Benedict was at Dumbo’s house. </p><p>“Dumbo, I heard about your trunk. It’s very sad.”</p><p>“Yes, it is very sad. Thank you for noticing.” </p><p>“I can turn your trunk into a gun, if you want,” the Ex-Pope offered. </p><p>“Wow, that would be very pious of you,” Dumbo said, trying to come up with a compliment that would be of the highest level of thanks for the Ex-Pope. </p><p>“Yes, I would be carrying out God’s wishes!” </p><p>The Ex-Pope’s eyes shone. The compliment had worked. </p><p>And with that, Dumbo brought Ex-Pope Benedict into his house. The Ex-Pope had Dumbo lay on his waterbed. He then performed the necessary surgery to put a gun where his trunk had been. Sissy Spacek loved to cuddle next to Dumbo’s trunk. Dumbo knew that since Sissy Spacek was from Texas, she would love to cuddle with his gun trunk even more. </p><p>After the surgery was done, he looked at himself in the mirror and looked at himself and realized that he had become… GUNBO. </p><p>Dumbo went upstairs to show Sissy Spacek his cool new gun trunk. As he passed the front door, he heard a KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK to the rhythm of The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army.” </p><p>Dumbo opened the door. It was Steve the Tax Collector! </p><p>“FUCK!” Dumbo yelled.</p><p>“Dumbo, you’ve been evading your taxes for hours now! You think you could just get away with not doing your part as an American citizen and paying your taxes? C’mon, Dumbo!” </p><p>The tax collector was not being very professional, but Dumbo didn’t mind, because now he had a gun for a trunk. </p><p>“I hope you fear the reaper,” Dumbo said, and raised his gun trunk. It wasn’t loaded though, so he had to swallow some bullets, and make sure they went down the top hole connecting his trunk to his mouth. </p><p>BOOM BOOM BOOM </p><p>Paper went flying in the air. It was impossible to see anything for a moment. Then the government documents fell to the ground, revealing that Dumbo had shot the tax collector. The tax collector’s blood spilled out all over various government bonds and checks that taxpayers had given to him. Additionally, some ninja stars dropped out of one of his pockets. </p><p>“DUMBO, WHY?” Sissy Spacket cried as she slid down the stairway banister in a long denim skirt. </p><p>“Because this is not a tax collector,” Dumbo said, and went over to the dead body. “This is actually...Chuck Norris!” </p><p>He removed the upper layer of skin, which turned out to just be a taut mask. Under it was Chuck Norris’ dead face. </p><p>“Dumbo, you killed Chuck Norris! That means all the Chuck Norris jokes are about you now.” Sissy Spacek put a hand on Dumbo's shoulder. “The entire world is going to be after you, you know -- trying to claim those jokes for themselves.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, none of them will have a gun for a trunk,” Dumbo replied.</p><p>“Hell yeah! That’s right, Dumbo,” Sissy Spacek said in her Southern drawl. </p><p>Dumbo and Sissy Spacek made out for a while. A few assassins tried to kill them, but Dumbo just pointed his trunk and shot them. It was hardcore, but in a good way. Then, from his pocket, Dumbo pulled out Sissy Spacek's dead mom’s Ball and Cup game.</p><p>“I got this as soon as I had the money for it. I was going to mail it to you one Christmas, but I could never find out your address.”</p><p>“Oh, Gunbo, thank you!”  </p><p>The End</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>